Rashiecoats*, Kate Leiper, artist and illustrator. Leiper says:
“From
as early as I can remember, I loved drawing; I might have forgotten to have
breakfast or put on my shoes, but I never ventured anywhere without a pack of
crayons and scraps of paper.”
I
individually ask preschool-aged children, “Do you feel that your Mom (Dad)
loves you?” “Yes!” each child exclaims. “How do you know? What does your Mom
(Dad) do that makes you feel loved?”
“She helps me and takes good care of me.”
“She
reads me stories.”
“She
kisses me, and when Dad hugs me.”
“He
says he loves me.”
“At
bedtime she says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy and I love you.’”
“Papa
loves me because he cleans with me. Mom takes me to school and picks me up.”
“Dad
takes me to the park and Mom cooks for me and all that.”
“Because
she puts make-up on me and because Dad plays with me.”
I ask to see what children say about their parents’ expressions of love. Their responses fit into Gary Chapman’s five love language categories. He says the value of discovering your child’s primary love language is that “it gives you the most effective means of communicating emotional love.”
Gary
Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages to help couples develop stronger
relationships by teaching them to speak each other’s love language. The
languages are five basic categories: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of
service, physical touch, and quality time. Most people like love expressed in all
five ways, though we usually have one or two preferences. The idea is that if I know how a loved one best feels love, I can choose to express my love in that way.
I
wonder about my preferred expression. My husband gives me gifts, writes
sweet Aspects of Susan notes, takes me to museums, and cuddles me often.
However, I feel especially loved by him when he works in the garden with me,
goes to the grocery store for me, or makes me a nice dinner (acts of service). My
husband feels especially loved when I write my feelings to him (words of
affirmation).
Each child, too, expresses love through different communication styles and later Chapman collaborated with Ross Campbell, MD to write The 5 Love Languages of Children.
Each child, too, expresses love through different communication styles and later Chapman collaborated with Ross Campbell, MD to write The 5 Love Languages of Children.
Want
to discover more about your child's communication style? Here is some
information to get you started.
Ask:
Parent: “Do you feel that I love you?”
Child: “Yes!”
Parent: “How do you know? What do I do that makes you
feel loved?”
Words of Affirmation: (encouragement; affirmation) “I know my mom and dad love me because they
cheer for me when I play ball, and after the game they say 'Nice job, you
did your best.'”
Gifts: (given with heart) “I know my dad loves me because he bought me
this stuffed lion when he was on his trip.”
Acts of Service: (doing what is best for another) “I know my mom loves me because she sews the
buttons on my shirt when they fall off and also helps me with my homework.”
Physical Touch: (hugs and holding) “I know my mommy loves me
because she cuddles me every night.”
Quality Time: (undivided attention; doing something together)
“I know my mom loves me. She comes to my soccer games.”
Some examples of the many ways to
convey the different love languages:
Words
of Affirmation: Words of affection and endearment, words of encouragement that
convey care. “I love you, I love sitting next to you, or I notice that you smile and say nice things to your
friends.”
Gifts: Give a gift with an affirming statement. “I
missed you while I was gone, so I brought you something I thought you might
like.”
Physical
Touch: Hugs and kisses, holding hands, or holding a
young child on your lap are examples.
Quality
Time: When parents (one at a time) provide undivided attention by reading a
story, taking a bike ride or walk, or doing something the child would like to do.
General Comments
Observe
how your child expresses love to you.
Observe how your child expresses love to others.
Listen to what your child requests most often.
Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
Give your child a choice between two options such as: Would you like me to make you a fruit salad (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)? Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)? While I am out of town, would you rather I bring you a present (gift) or write a poem for you (words of affirmation)?
If a parent says, “I will give you an ice cream if you clean your room,” this is payment for a service, not gift.
Observe how your child expresses love to others.
Listen to what your child requests most often.
Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
Give your child a choice between two options such as: Would you like me to make you a fruit salad (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)? Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)? While I am out of town, would you rather I bring you a present (gift) or write a poem for you (words of affirmation)?
If a parent says, “I will give you an ice cream if you clean your room,” this is payment for a service, not gift.
Gary Chapman, The
Five Love Languages, Chicago: Northfield
Publishing, 1995.
Gary Chapman and
Ross Campbell, MD, Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1997.
*Rashiecoats is the name of the main character in a Scottish Cinderella story of the same name. However, Rashiecoats does not include glass slippers, a pumpkin coach, step-sisters, or fairy godmothers. Rashiecoats is the daughter of a king. She is doomed to marry a man she does not love. Rashiecoats escapes the castle and sets out to find a husband she loves.
